Acknowledging potential

At work last night I listened to the well known motivational speaker Zig Ziglar. The teaching was called "Building a healthy self image". He is quite entertaining as he immediately breaks into a short story with no introduction. The first point he made that really grabbed me was "If your word is no good, than eventually neither are you". and the second point was "if you help others get what they want you will get what you want". For me these points and good gems for everyday living and interactions.

The stories are inspiring and practical, emphasizing responsibility as the number one need in America, and commitment to goals that we set. The ingredient to help these matters is recognizing there importance and inspiring optimism. Having a game plan is so key he points out, stating that you get so much more done when you are decisive and focused. The history of great people who have impacted our world, a large percentage of them have served in some form of military training which deals with these matters of discipline.

2 statements he made had carry a whole lot of significance for me."People with nothing to do, want to do it with you". and "People may not believe everything you say, but they will believe everything you do". The first is one of my pet peeves and can get me frustrated fast because I feel as if i always have something to do and rarely like to just to nothing. The second because I would rather not talk about things as much as I would rather take action.

"No one can make you feel inferior without your permission". The reality of this is pretty impacting because I can easily shift into comparing myself with the best in the world and be discouraged because of it. Not taking into account the progression of growth and not valuing myself or abilities can easily become the snare of comparison.

"Choose your friends carefully, because if you run with the wise, you too will become wise" And the big one for many of us hit home good. "If you want to build a healthy self image, than avoid pornography, because anything that degrades man kind degrades you". These are very applicable things for me, and I'm sure you as well. If not and this guy is all hype, and full of self help B.S. I guess I'm a sucker, because I'm about to buy one of his books right now.

Oh and I forgot to mention a great formula he had:

Acknowledging potential equals purpose, which naturally creates production, and performance.

How do you see you?

Only you...

Only you can control what you do. Of course you can play games and manipulate, but there is never any guarantees except for responsibility for our actions. I think I have just lived through a perfect example, if you attempt to control how others act, you will end up in emotional bondage. You just can't keep anyone happy all the time, and still do you.

When I get in my lab to work, or write and my girl let's me know she is feeling unappreciated, or neglected. Immediately creativity halts, and comes to a fucken standstill. There is no blowing it off, and saying whatever. Maybe that works with girlfriends you don't live with, but when it's your wife, and you live together. You have no where to go, and get your work done without dealing with the situation or scrapping any plans of progress and focus.

Energy turns bitter and frustrated, feeling like it's being persecuted for being itself, and has to defend it's ground as if talking for the sake of talking is more important. I get all in my head, pissed off about the lack of privacy and lack of respect for my work and desires to gets some shit done.

So after the 2-5 min mood altering sour conversation, I end up fuming wanting to fucken break something. I'm right your wrong is the same old dance, and usually someones ego has to be a doormat for the jamboree to end without sayin some real mean ass shit. Been there done that, and I acknowledge that my reactions are mine, and my responsibility to manage. Everyone else can carry there own baggage, being a bell boy is a waste of time, I've got my own luggage to manage.

God dabblen.

Going to AA classes and constantly facing the "higher power" topic, I have had no choice but to ponder on my own god theories. If you know me and my history, than I wouldn't have to explain, but assuming you don't so I will briefly update you.

From 2001 through 2005 I was a dedicated follower of fundamental evangelicalism, or otherwise known as Christianity. Due to various learnings, and reflections, I came out on the other side not convinced either way, I simply did not know and still do not know who god is, or what are universal purpose is and am not convinced anyone does. With that being stated, I became, and still might be very skeptical and weary of god talk and god theories.

I have come to realize that I am not as tough, disciplined nor many other things that I have once believed. Not that I'm a victim, but definitely a product of modern culture hence; addicted to comfort, convenience and false security. In spite of all that, I am faced with grown man shit everyday, and it seems to be completely human to look to something beyond ourselves, to strengthen us, guide us, and protect us from things we would like to not be overcome by.

Honestly I am not sure where i stand on all of it, because of all the different prospectives I have endured and studied. From looking within, to looking above there seems to be relevance in it all, which makes my theories more complicated or harder to work through to shape my own. One thing is true, that everyone else's views we have heard over the years dramatically affects our own, and everyone has needs that their concept of god will usually be able to fill. So I'm sure my own theories will not be too original, for I like many others have been plagued with the curse of much information.

Are you talking to yourself, or actually talking to god? I'm not sure, but whatever it takes to improve, and do what we know to be right seems to be the best we can do, I guess. I will keep updating this topic for the rest of my life I'm sure.

Morning anger

Anyone have anger issues? I do. The reasons differ, but overall at times i can be a fucken prick. I'm not defending it because I know it is usually unjustified. I am honestly considering anger management. Today i woke up and was just annoyed at about everything, didn't want to get out of bed, wife wanted me to do various things i didn't want to do, go to AA, look for houses, no milk, etc. So i kind of snapped at my lady, made some coffee, had a cig, and went to AA. The topic was Anger, and "centering" your thoughts on your higher power. After the meeting I apologized to my wife for being impatient, and found out about anger management classes for $5 a session, I think I shall look into it.

Why I was so frustrated today waking up? I'm not sure, but it's not worth wasting the day in that mindset. If i am frustrated with myself, I should probably figure out why. It is no fun being edgy and unsatisfied half of your days.

The myth of the golden tongue

It’s hard to be whatever age we are. From being kids who can’t go and do as they wish, to the moments of teenage boredom and peer reliance, we all know we come to face even more challenging issues in adulthood. The list goes on, I am in no mood to relay it eloquently, so I might as well say it. Life can be fucking hard and complicated.

Maybe undisciplined emotions are to blame, or maybe we need to be reminded of the bigger picture with George Winston playing in the background. I am not sure what to do sometimes with the issues I face in the present, from all the ranges of topics the most complicated is the realm of human relations.

We all keep growing, and forgetting what we’ve learned in comparable ratios, leading us up and down complicated paths of decision and communication. If I was as smart as I sometimes think I am, I would have the golden tongue in every situation, but I obviously have an everyday ego that deceives me into believing a lie. I desire that people are inspired to be better by my presence or essence, but I acknowledge that I just have a real hard time pleasing everybody as a matter of opinion, and I don’t think it’s possible to, nor should be the objective or goal. My seemingly pointless rant comes down to what I believe to be a universal reality.

” No matter what age we are, there is always hardships that are misunderstood year to year”

There is enough time in the day.

So much to do and so much to learn, it seems to become more and more difficult the older I get. I am in dire need of some personal rituals to keep me inline.

Things to keep the day productive.

1. Make a list of daily goals
2. Set priorities
3. Treat everything as an appointment.
4. Plan on things not going exactly as planned.

There is enough time in the day for me to accomplish my goals. My current goals are reachable and realistic.

Weekly Goals :

Piano for 2 hours
Make 2-4 Beats that are acceptable
Blog 5 times
Record 2 songs
Follow daily priority lists
Work on 1-2 Photoshop projects
Read the paper 3 times a week
Journal ideas on where you want to be.

As of right now, this will be enough to get me moving.

Not comforting

The way it should be…

When I get frustrated I usually show it. My standards I put on myself tend to be puked on those closest to me. I have got to keep focused on what’s important at the end of the day. My wife feeling loved and appreciated should be on the top of my list, but it tends to get misplaced along the way.

She means well and really is a great wife, good person, and has an enjoyable character. I need to find a way to balance all of this. Being a newlywed is not that easy, it is filled with these preconceived notions on both ends that have to be worked through daily. Why I get so easily angered I am not sure, but being an asshole is not the way rectify anything.

It’s easy to not take the responsibility, and even easier to get even more upset. I am not finding any comfort in writing this.

This is not the way it should be.

Bitchassness

If there a way to set the tone at any given time… I want that power.

Between the hours of 5pm and 9pm, I feel the most alert mentally and creatively. This time is when my ability to express with a certain magic tends to be the strongest. Mornings tend to do me no justice and evenings at home seem to be interruptive of my wife’s idea of what they should be. Could it be that I need to change my work hours which are 2pm-10pm M-F? Or is there some way to transcend these circumstances and just be able to perform what is needed to be accomplished.

Mr. Puff Daddy himself has a personal spin on this type of situation I had observed, and he calls my condition “Bitchassness”. He spoke of the responsibility to get things done and press through all my little circumstances, no matter how you feel you must get the job done. Period.

Being Honest

“There is no honesty in pride”

Could this be true? As far as I can tell, there is no thing to convince me otherwise. There is moments when people shine like no other time, and to me that is when they are able to be completely honest. These days and many of long ago it has been improper, inappropriate, rude, unnecessary, or just bad taste to be too honest and too revealing. Is it possible to be too honest? I’m sure if you asked a married person the answer would be yes but I have a difficult time appreciating that answer as a true one.

We have to be on guard, and role play in this society to protect our hard earned egos. It is a way of life that I wish could somehow be reviewed and recanted , but it seems our culture would crumble if real honesty was to have it’s way in our world. We feel we have to fabricate our true feelings to our fellow human to keep the peace, and level of comfort stable. What would relationships be like if complete honesty could have it’s way? I am afraid to say we will never find out, due to our fear of being rejected, but it is still possible, isn’t it? If not… it is a depressing thought.

I have observed that we are most likely to be vulnerable with people we don’t know verses people we do. It is therapeutic to be honest, and in an atmosphere of openness. One can be him or herself with no threat of it being held against them. Just being deflated of pride and ego letting the real feelings arise and be released. It tends to calm the soul and bring about a sense of cleansing. No holding things back, and pretending to be someone we are not, and deceiving those around us, but letting them in to our world of emotion and be able to let them empathize with us, and us with them. Pride has no place in those settings, but should be handled with compassion if it just so happens to show up.

Letting Go...

I like to be in control. I do not like roller coasters, I do not like riding shotgun in cars, I do not like relying on people to get things done. I have a feeling that I do not trust that things will work out, maybe that is due to them not working out in my favor in past situations, or it could be that I have always tried to be in control and have suffered the effects of things not going my way.

Both could be in play, I suppose there is no absolute answer to my thoughts, but I sense that I have the addiction of control. Not that I am some freak who is unable to work with others and has psychotic fits when things don’t roll in his favor, but just the type of person who puts the same demands on others that he puts on himself, therefore imposing obligations that are unable to be fulfilled by the other which produces tension, and unfruitful situations.

‘Let life be on life’s terms, not mine’ I must say that rings true. A way to just let go a little by little, relax, and focus on what I can do at the moment. I tend to neglect now, and spend much time regretting later. Not like I’m crying about this and that, but just feeling like I’m not getting enough done, or feeling like my progress is not up to par. Maybe it’s because it’s not even possible to get done what I am expecting, maybe my demands are further than my reach and clearly out of my control.

My past has not dealt me the best cards, and I accept that when I was I played quite a few hands unwisely, but due to bad parenting or lack there of., I have been programmed in sense to predict and almost expect the negative or worst case scenario syndrome. It still is affecting me now and interfering with current projects and progress. What must I do to change how I think? I don’t know , but I think that it is up to me. To one, let life be in control and learn to let go a little, and two relax and focus on what I can do now.

AA Class

I went to my first AA meeting yesterday, surprisingly I enjoyed it. I left feeling like I used to back in the church days. It seems that the testimonies and positive attitudes really can be quite soothing to the soul. True companionship was present, and the people were genuine in conduct and just good company all the way around.

I once read a book by Dale Carnegie, he suggested that places like that are perfect grounds for public speaking practice. Hopefully I will take advantage of the opportunity to gain some more experience in that department, because I was slightly unfocused when they called on me to speak. Afterwards I thought “I’m just better one on one with people, verses group settings.” Bullshit, that might be true but can’t fly. If you need to work in that area… than do it.

The topic was “Turning points, and half measures avail us nothing.” I could relate a little with each speaker, but the prospective that everyday is turning point, resonated with me quite well. The stories of each person have a way of getting inside you and empathizing, kicking up the dust and drawing out your own experiences. I found it to be honest and comforting I am looking forward to my next meeting in an hour and a half.

“Today is unlike any other day, I can do more than I am able to comprehend, and the power of life that lies in me, is waiting to be exercised. I can help make this world a better place, and I don’t need any substance to do it. God is alive in me, and no one can offend me, I have nothing to gain by being self absorbed. Today is a great day, and I will enjoy myself and others in it”

Playin game

“What I must do is all that concerns me, not what people think.” Ralph Waldo Emerson

Somewhere along the road it seems that we pick up the need to please people . Not everyone of course, but companions, family members, employers, associates, and the law are usually top of the list. I’m sure if you asked someone if they were a people pleaser, they would most likely deny it and probably take offense, but if they analyze their conduct in an unbiased fashion, they would most likely see the small details that can leave them corrected and intrigued by their own conformity.

I, a self proclaimed non-conformist must say, that after some current events and hard thought, I realize that I have become in many ways, no different than most worldly, approval seeking, people pleaser's. The professionals would most likely trace it back to our childhoods and are probably right. Parenting good or bad has shaped our thinking in many ways, but our parents or overseers can’t take credit for all of it., we picked up the ball along the way, and have been running with it ever since.

How does it happen…?
I would say gradually. We have definitely been programmed or at least our behavior has been modified to maintain our role in society.

Chain of events

“Anger is never without a reason, but seldom with a good one.”- Ben Franklin.

In my opinion when you are angry with yourself, it’s the worst. There is no one else to blame. When it’s someone else’s fault you can accept it and deal with it almost instantly. Tell them it’s alright, to be more careful next time, and it’s over, but when YOU are to blame it’s a whole different ball game. The situation at hand tends to replay itself over and over rubbing your carelessness, irresponsibility or forgotten mental note in your face until you crucify yourself silly.

YOU are to blame. You could have prevented it. What were you thinking? Do you ever learn your lessons? What the hell is wrong with you? These are just some of the nicer things that tend to run through your head. Nevertheless, if your anything like me you begin to blame others, start rationalizing your innocence, and shifting responsibility towards them, all in the same moments of thought. The outcome still puts you in the loser seat and with an edgy attitude towards any who might have helped in your bad decisions.

Anger definitely alters your prospective. Nice guy one minute, and frickin psycho the next, without any warning just a change of events and circumstances and there you go, pissed off and ready to snap, especially towards any who might bear any responsibility. A burning sick to your stomach like when you lose your much needed wallet, or end up in jail, or crashing your parents car with no insurance. These are all preventable situations based on bad decisions, and when they happen and your to blame, it feels like your instantly high on emotion. Fear, rage, regret, self haterd all come rushing to your senses and smack you with relentless force.

There has got to be a better way of handling these emotions. Maybe it’s normal to feel those overwhelming feelings, or maybe we are to hard on ourselves. I’m sure what to do in those situations. To fight the anger in a self counseling fashion tends to just piss me off more , but in the height of the moment there has got to be a way of maintaining a clear head, if not only for the sake of the people around me.

Pirates

There has got to be a way to access your own personal treasure. Meditation, prayer, self power, pure determination, and drugs seem to be the obvious influences in the lives of many writers, actors, musicians, entertainers, and many other peoples of greatness that we tend to be obsessed with in this day and age. But, what does it really take, to tap the well of our own personal greatness?

Many of us tend to mimic the path of others, like getting extremely high expecting the same results of the artist who claims to live on drug that we are with experimenting. Sometimes we might attend the same schooling, move to the same city, imitate the individual or even take things further even. I’m sure some people have had success in these circumstances, and I’m positive many have failed.

What is the secret? Is there one? No I’m sure there is no universal answer. Each person is so different, from emotional states, past experiences, dreams, and talents it is impossible to have a cookie cutter steps to success program. But, I believe we do have a map, an internal map that only we can read.

What is the treasure to be found? Maybe it’s a life of solitude and quietness, maybe it’s on stage in front of millions, maybe it’s to start a new colony, or even to be the best at what ever you do. The routes to our greatness relies on us, or maybe it is all complete chance and luck, I don’t know. But, many as long as we keep looking at the map the treasure will be found.

Go Go people

“ There is no goodness, where simplicity and truth are absent” -Tolstoy

The world we live in now, much like past generations, has been in constant transformation regarding the personal time spent by individuals, and families.
Obviously work and education take up a good bulk of our time, but what we do with our other “time” determines a lot about us. Whether we realize it or not., simple or plain living seems a hassle to us. We tend to look for the fastest, most efficient way to do things which is all fine and well, but I believe the driving force behind that, is this sense of urgency to “utilize” anytime we have just to get things done and compete in this dog eat dog culture we have found ourselves placed in. It seems that anxiety tends to mold us to the common more than we tend to acknowledge.

Unfortunately, once someone has experienced some form of personal satisfaction or accomplishment due to the “hustle” it can become an addictive state of mind. Go go go! Always working, no time to just relax and ponder the reasons or roots of the work at hand. Why am I so fixated on doing this? Why do I get so agitated and impatient? Why do I create more work for myself than I can accomplish? Why am I doing this anyway? Is this really what I want? What are my motives? Are they pure, and good?, Or am I a product of envy, and complicity?

What happened to simple appreciation? We have become so fixated with attaining happiness, that it passes us by without boasting of our loss. It happens in the moments of trees whistling as we approach our car, the way that the bird sings as we walk out of the door, a smile from the one you love, and satisfaction a doing a job well done. Maybe if we are able to see how tense, unsatisfied, and ungrateful we are, the wake up might be enough o get us off autopilot. Either way it’s going to be humbling.